Maintaining satisfying relationships with loved ones can be challenging in the best of circumstances, and mental illness further complicates matters. Even after doing the work of establishing healthy boundaries and constructive communications with your loved one, it can be easy to fall back into old patterns of relating, especially during the holidays. So, when you find yourself stuck in a familiar-feeling battle with your person, consider the following to get back on track:
#1: Be mindful
Notice your thoughts and feelings about your relationship with your loved one, remembering there is no “wrong” way to feel. Strive to conceptualize your emotions as information. For instance, from time to time, you may notice anger toward your loved one. Your mind and body could be signaling that you need to set a boundary or get space from a situation. Check in with yourself about what you need in the moment, understanding that your mental health is just as important as your loved one’s.
#2: Communicate your needs
Often, the best way to get what we need is to ask for it. Although it can be easy to assume that other people understand our needs and limitations, they often do not. By setting healthy boundaries and communicating them consistently, you may find that you can better enjoy your time with your person while experiencing fewer negative feelings.
#3: Honor your own experience and understand how it differs from that of your loved one
We each have nuanced values, beliefs, and views of political, religious, or social matters. And when symptoms of psychosis enter the mix, chances are high that your loved one’s views of the world, and even reality, will diverge profoundly from your own. So, honor your truth when possible while not invalidating your loved one’s feelings. (Note: Helpful responses to psychotic symptoms is another matter and will be the topic of an upcoming article.)
#4: Keep your promises
Despite our best intentions, following through on our promises can be challenging. However, of all the items on this list, it may be the most important for improving your relationship with your loved one and helping make their world feel safe and predictable. So, make promises cautiously, and keep your word whenever possible.
#5: Strive for honesty (without over-sharing)
In the absence of concrete information, many individuals with psychosis create explanatory delusions (delusional explanations or rationalizations for events or behaviors). Transparent communication can help ground an individual, even when the truth is unpleasant or hurtful. However, care should be taken and timing considered when delivering upsetting information.
#6: Keep the enabling in-check
Many of us give as much as we can to our loved ones, especially when we cannot see them as much as we would like (or think we should). Notice if feelings of guilt are prompting your generosity or over-involvement. If so, see if you can soothe your feelings of guilt in another (healthy) way. If your loved one harasses you about buying them things, it is okay to be firm. Remember that the word “no” can be necessary and even loving.
#7: Report concerning symptoms
You know your loved one best. If you receive troubling phone calls, texts, or emails from your loved one, or if something just seems “off,” please reach out to your person’s therapist or case manager. We will likely already be aware of the situation, but there are times when your loved one will alert you to trouble first.
#8: Take time for yourself
You have been on this journey with your loved one for many years, and much of it may not have been pleasant. You have all taken the step of finding help for your person, but it is also essential to get the support and care that YOU need. Consider seeing a therapist if you do not already. Or, at the very least, take a moment to reflect on activities that add enjoyment to your life and commit to doing something for yourself this holiday season.